Pitter patter

I'm kind of massively unhappy right now and dreading the next month of my life... not particularly healthy. Do my best to try and not think about the growing number of things that I just don't want to deal with but it can be oh so difficult at times. Still, have to try, else I wake up completely fucked up, incapable of moving out of fear of my own head. I'm not in a good mood. Oh so sorry, happens. Tomorrow's mother's day and I have to face a mother who won't talk to me, a brother and his wife who don't give a shit for my personal feelings, and my stepfather who's just annoying by breathing. My father is a wreck because he's not comfortable in his own home with my step mother going nuts half the time. My best friend is having an existential crisis and can only talk to me about her fucked up sister and there's nothing I can do to help. The future is daunting and uncertain and I don't know what to do about any of the relationships in my life.
But that's life, right? In perspective, it's not really the end of the world. I just happen to hate it.
This mood will pass, I'll get up and go out in the living room and put everything aside and do what needs to be done.
Thanks so much.
I have a presentation on Northern Ireland on Monday. Now that's all good fucked up business there.
I think my biggest problem is that the little things just don't make me happy any more, they just up and left or something.
I'm just stressed. Rationalize, rationalize, don't let it get to your head or else you may throw up and bring on another fantastic headache, and we can't go on and have that now, can we?

"You will be like Taras Bulba, "death to the unfaithful", and you will pay for it".
Why is everyone comparing me to weird Eastern European men?

"It was funny, but you were like " I am Borgachev, Communist Russia must prevail."

Being a good girl and trying to study WWI and all that loveliness yet dear neighbor is, again, blasting the two Gnarls Barkley songs on repeat. On repeat. Repeat. Repeat. I think this is what seeing red is like.

Professor Nincic quotes
- On biological warfare and why the world doesn't really engage in it, "Germ warfare, there's just something creepy about germs".
- The surprise of the US regarding Vietcong attacks during the Vietnam War, "Look! These guys are pretty plucky and they're fighting us!"
- On knowledge and philosophy, scientific knowledge isn't "as gossamer and fluffy as ethics".

Well... I thought they were funny, maybe out of context and him not saying it makes them less so....

So myes. Had a successful interview today which makes me, eek, happy, yay, like won't necessary suck when I graduate. Woo hoo.
Myes...
On another note, working on my essay in the living room as I tend to do, and, lo and behold, my neighbor, I'm guessing the culprit is the downstairs one, is playing, yet again that Gnarles Barkley what ever narly man song crazy crap for the eighth time in a row.
Fabulous.
The other day I wandered into the U-Mall store Gottchalks place thing and they had those shoes I've been courting. Yes, those ones, the Rampage brand black open toed with white pokey-dots size 8 thank you very much shoes.
I think I've decided to buy them (only $34.95 or something) once this quarter ends if I do well. That is if I don't screw up in my classes because I've been a lazy shoe oggler all quarter. That is if I don't fail my thesis. You, know, some minor last minute incentive to not destroy my GPA out of sheer procrastination...
So I'm gonna get back to work now.

I more or less just now realized how massively, massively fucked I am right now. I have a day and a half to prepare for an interview, a little over 48 hours to write a 10 page paper and have all my data finished for my thesis ready to go discuss with my professor how to do a statistical analysis I need to research how to do. And I have no idea how to do even basic stats anymore. I need to present the findings of my research two days after that, and let's be honest, I have no idea where this shit is going. The next day I have a final I'm not even considering how unprepared I am to take. Then I'll have three days to finish up analyzing the data I won't have finished and writing up about 20 pages of bull to explain it, and also study for another final.
And right now I should be seriously busting my ass but the shock is just setting in and I'm freaking out and really have no idea what to do. Everything gets done in time, one way or another, for better or worse, but right now everything seems already so fucked up I just am floored. Why did I do such an awesome job of absolutely wasting my time this quarter? Why am I wasting it right now? What the hell is wrong with me? I have 12 days to do all of this and it's going to be a disaster.
I'm going to gain probably 10 pounds in the next week it's going to be fabulous.
Shit shit shit...

You know you're having trouble sleeping when you start dictating to yourself your last will and testament...
What? Normal people don't do that?
Sleeping is something that I usual don't have too much trouble doing. I mean, as a kid it would take me a long time to fall asleep, but in the more recent years it hasn't been an issue. I'm good at sleeping. I wish I was one of those people who didn't like to sleep too much because it wastes so much of the day, but I'm good at it! Sleeping likes me, and I enjoy it. It's like being firmly rooted, enveloped in your sheets and mattress, while falling away. Waking up I guess is more often than not like hitting the ground, which is unpleasant and rather unfortunate.
But maybe with all the screwing around with the computer for too much time before I go to sleep has addled my brain a wee bit. I don't know.
My mind has gone through the usual daily thoughts, goals, dreams, aspirations about the future,  anxieties about the present, the multitude of regrets of the past, the time machine I would build to change all my fuck ups, addressing all my fuck ups, worrying about the fuck ups I can't change, worrying about the fuck ups I'm too lazy to change, and going through the list of the fantasies of all the things I want to be and do and see and live. And then my brain settled on my will, which of course doesn't exist, and is just rather bloody dramatic of me.
I really don't think I've pulled an all nighter for college. I feel that I should before it's over. I guess this wouldn't count since I am not studying, nor thinking of any kind of work whatsoever. The prospect of staying up makes me sleepy though. I have to be up at 7am. Oh dear.
I just want to be able to throw a dark cloth over my brain like you do to a birdcage to make the little twittering bastards know its bedtime and that if they sing or chatter any more you will feed them to the cat.
If I believed in reincarnation I would like to think this is my first time around in a long cycle of cat lives. It would explain a lot, and would make things so much more excusable. Don't blame me for scratching your face, I used to be a cat.  In one life I would have been a majestic rather obese persian long-hair, too large to successfully make it up onto the sofa, yet with a regal girth as I swayed across luxurious carpets. In another lifetime I was a mangy feline, a bit on the schitzophrenic side, calmly sleeping in the sunshine one moment, and then bolting across the yard for no good reason, to chase my tail like a demented baffoon, only to stop and slowly return to my chaise longue to sun bathe a bit more before attacking the baby trying to learn to walk.
This is the life I feel I was designed to be so very, very good at.
Alright, time to try and sleep so I'm not too grumpy in the morning.

To the person, or persons, who unceremoniously dumped my bike into a pile of others causing the the handlebars to misalign and perhaps causing further damage:
You make me sad. I would wish terrible things on you and your future offspring but that might be an overreaction. So I'll say it again, you make me sad. Mr. Red Turtle, as I have just now named my bike, is a good, average, old decrepit bike, but gets me where I need to go if I peddle adequately. He did nothing to you, and you didn't even have the courtesy to try and steal him. So why? Why mistreat a good, old bike?
You are cruel people and should be run over by little blond children with demonic glowing eyes riding pink tricycles with the little rainbow tassels. There, I said it. No I take it back.
I'm better than you people so I won't curse you but just know that you made a little girl cry somewhere out there. It wasn't me, and my one eyed tear is a reaction to the cold and not the fact that you hurt Mr. Red Turtle, the bike. And now it's all weird when I ride it and how else will I get to class in the morning when the bus doesn't go where I need to go? How will I eat? How will I SURVIVE? But no, you people are callous apes and didn't bother to think before you acted brutishly.
So that's that. Learn your bloody goddamn manners and that your actions have reactions that fuck up my bike and really hampers my good starting day.
I hope you rot in the hell your God created. Lies! I didn't say that. I just hope if you have cars they get keyed. Or your bikes get flat tires.
Well then.
Best,
The owner of the eleven year old red Motive bike with the silver fenders and little cow bell, Mr. Red Turtle, or as we like to call him, Red.

So I suppose I haven't updated this in a while... Don't see why that should offend since methinks only my roommate knows of this account... so we'll just pretend I'm talking to myself. Actually then no need to pretent, but for argument's sake what?
I am in a state of being sitting... in the library... where I should be the doing of the work on the thesis due in T-minus 5 weeks.
I think I've been here for nearly two hours, and most of that time was spent looking up stuff, as one does in the library.
I was looking up what a five letter word for "odd souvenir" was that ends in "o", and what sci-fi creature is only three letters? come on!
So that's me a working hard away.
I was thinking of walking to Borders after this, then I remembered I have no money since I spent it all on food and a new pair of jeans that I really don't need, but I can't resist when it says sale even though it's still expensive!
And so I am sitting, still wondering what the four letter word that ends in "eer" is that means "to abuse vocally" since we all know that's so damn fun! Unless I got the Across all wrong and that would suck because I'm pretty sure the only sports channel is ESPN and FedEx' rival is UPS...
58 Down make me laugh. It's "Effervesce", and according to Microsoft Word a synonym for that is "Fizz"... So that stupid frackin band Effervescent crap I just realized that's not their name. Evanescence, dammit! Cuz then they would have been "Fizzy" and that would have been remotely entertaining... I fail at reading not just writing now. Grr Argh.
Mmmm, chocolate shake. Would it be weird if I biked through In and Outs drive pick up food thing? Ugh, that requires biking.
Laptops make computer bag heavy.
Well spank me and call me Virginia Woolf.
Stream of conciousness for the uninitiated... ignore.
Doobey doobey doo doo...
So. Camels? Ah yes, camels. With the spit and the bump and the smell.
Mmm, camels.
I don't think I really want a chocolate shake. Wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, hehehe, sorry, just kind of weird image of looking a horse in the mouth. Who would be that stupid, don't know if horses bite when people do that, but if some dumbass looked into my mouth I would. This is why I was yelled at a lot at the dentist as a child.
What was I saying. Oh yeah, buy me a chocolate shake. But I'd prefer a homemade apricot cake, or a strawberry rhubarb pie, but none of that shit from baker's square, the real stuff.
Or better yet macaroni and cheese. I have that.
And the organic kind, which means you can at least kind of pretend it isn't clogging your arteries even though it has no nutritional value with the dehydrated powdered dairy colored yellowness and what now. Mmm, dairy colored yellowness. Sounds like the next evolution in mad cow disease.
This is all the fault of the person who claimed, rightly, that I don't update, I said to myself since no one really reads this. And the fact that I'd be bored to tears if I wasn't so damn good at finding the randomish shit to keep myself busy, case and point.
I actually just looked out the library window for more random shit to talk about.
Well then I'm gonna go pretend to be useful doing something else that doesn't involve schoolwork.
So toodles.
And don't complain again.
Or I'll make you look in my mouth, and we all know how that ends.
WTF, I don't know.

Siren is a cat.
A mighty beast of squealing.
Hello piece of ham.

I have eaten too many cookies. Frosting makes my tummy rumble and sugar makes my brain hurt. But it tastes so good? Why? Why?
These Holiday things aproacheth and much needs to be done and I realize I need a job.
I need a job for cute Steve Madden shoes.
For presents.
For life.
Seems I need to figure out what I'm doing with my life.
But Mom says I should move to San Francisco and work and have a party fun life. Which I think I could live with.
But what of grad school? Even, god forbid, law school, I knoweth not.
Ah too much to think about with an unhappy belly makes Jamie want to sleep...
And GET A KITTEN!
OMG would be so awesome...
RAAR...

Ok so,

A few weeks ago:
- lot of 28 giant sea monsters found off of Norway in "graveyard"
- Giant camel found in Middle East
- Live tissue from dinosaur found in U.S. of A.
- Temple found in the middle of Mexico City

This week:
- North Korea tests a few bombs
- Bush signs uber creepy ok to torture law
- War continues to rage
- AND we find out how other galaxies like our own possibly "smash up"

Portends of things to come? You say no?
Well Mister Stinky Farty boy, spank me and call me a pessimist,
Because if a gentle sting ray can bring down the Mighty Steve Irwin,
I think the end hath cometh.

Or a mixture of sugar and Buffy might make the strongest among us mildly paranoid.

Yes, I am a dork.
Mostly I don't want to do homework though.

My nose is drippy.
The bug bite is quite itchy.
A cupcake for me?

I HAVE A HOTPACK ON MY FACE!

How does one reconcile two incompatible desires.
I want to do something meaningful with my life.
I want to go to Washington D.C., work for a NGO, try and save lives on some level.
But I want to paint, and read, and laugh, watch scifi, be silly, go to grad school, and love. I don't want to let go of everything here, don't want to lose my friends, my old, simpler life.
You can have it all just not all at once.
And that sucks.
I feel as if I'm on some path to leaving everything and everyone behind.
I will graduate, and I will move on.
That seems so terrible and finite.
This was pleasant; now it's passing.
I'll grow up.
I feel like some part of me is ending.
How unfair.

With every movement
everythings set.
I drink till I'm sober
and starve again.
If you had the answers
cause I wasn't sharp,
Why was it ending?
Why did it start?
I do declare you were all that I wanted
I was so stubborn,
the risks were undaunted.
If you had the answers
and I wasn't told,
that makes you selfish,
heartless,
and cold.
If I'm sent packing
I'm giving up
rights to the children,
the keys to the truck.
If you have the answers
Why was it hard
to lock the door and
keep up your guard?
I've nothing to say that we haven't gone over already.
I've nothing to say that we haven't gone over already.




Am I being too melodramatic? Perhaps, but it feels good.
And off I go to face the firing squad, my brother's wedding, alone.

Thanks for not seeing me in your champagne colored quest.

And back in this state we go.
With blinders and headphones day to day life trudges on.
Americans aren't very nice. The ipod age is a lonely one.
And I miss my view from thirteen stories up down on the city of lights and busy bodies.
But friends are good and so is love.
But but but.
Hard to get back on track yes it is.
Back to life and English and the uncurious.
Give me language and interest and a good mojito.
And I shall give you stories.
If only we were more interested in others.
And I'm back to being one of these.

I have a new apartment, an old roommate, and a wedding in a week or two.
And the past is where it should be, sadly for once.